A few days ago both Wees 3 and 4 were napping. For a moment I was stunned by this co-incidence of sleep patterns and forced myself to go outside and look for some sort of odd planetary alignment. Once I confirmed that aliens weren't coming to invade northern Georgia or an asteroid wasn't headed our way I paused to think on how I would spend these precious moments of silent solitude. I decided to work on a few thank you cards in my craft room downstairs. To keep track of the Wees I brought our baby monitor with me.
About 20 minutes into my creative bliss I heard some static come through the monitor and then a blood curdling child's scream. It did not sound like one of my Wees, but a scream like that could not be ignored. I jumped to my feet only to be stopped cold in my tracks by the sound of a man's voice coming through the monitor as well.
My husband was at work.
My heart began to race and my adrenaline surged through my body - there was an uninvited man in my home somehow hurting one of my Wees and making them cry.
Like a mama grizzly I immediately went on the defensive. I had to protect my Wees. I needed a weapon of some sort and I needed it fast. The closest thing I could find was one pink leg from a "Nina, Nina Dancing Ballerina" ballet bar and my daughter's giant Fisher Price Counting Piggy Bank. They would have to do.
With the bar in one hand and the pig in the other I began to climb the stairs. Calling on all of my military training I slid around angles, peeked around corners clearing rooms in my home one by one until I got to the kids' room. I paused outside their closed door. I couldn't hear anything - what if he had taken them out the window? What if they were gone? I had never been so scared in all my life. I burst through the door and shouted "leave my kids alone." Now I know cursing is not the thing a lady should normally do, but I am fairly sure I strung a few doosies on the end of this statement - though in all honesty I can't remember what they were.
But to my amazement there was no man in their room and Maddie had clearly been sleeping soundly. My S.W.A.T. like entrance had her dazedly sitting up and rubbing her eyes. I sank to my knees in relief and I am not ashamed to say a few tears rolled down my face. My Wees were okay.
Now that I was calm I realized how ridiculous I looked. Was I planning on pirouetting an attacker into submission with my ballet bar? At best I would have gotten one shot with the piggy bank at the assailants head. Afterward, my assault would have been accompanied by "the counting song" as the pig's 30 second music program cycled through.
As the piggy bank and I sang Wee 3 her favorite song to get her back to sleep - I tried to figure out what had happened. Then it occurred to me - our neighbor (a work from home dad) had the exact same baby monitor which must have been operating on the same frequency. His daughter was the possessor of one opera singer like scream. Case of the mysterious baby monitor transmission solved.
Snuggled between my Wees and exhausted at my attempt to act out my own Die Hard movie, I resolved to nap with them right where I was - quiet, alone time is severely overrated. I also made the mental note to speak to the neighbor about using separate frequencies - goodness only knows what he thought about the impromptu rendition of the musical "Greece" I sang in the shower yesterday.
A wee bit relieved,
CarrieAnne
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Perspectives on Snow Days
As I looked out my window in Northern Georgia today I could hardly believe it. We had experienced record snows over night and a sharp drop in the temperature. The governor had closed major roads, large corporations were telling employees not to come in and yes you guessed it.... school was closed. How you feel about school closings really depends on who you are in Weeland so I thought I would share the Mom versus the Wee perspective on the topic.
The Wee Perspective
What's that - did mom just say no school tomorrow? Victory is ours!!! There is a divine power and he loves us, he really loves us. Lets get crazy with excitement and be impossible to put to bed. Yes, I am wearing underwear on my head and I don't know why. All I have to say is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Sometime the following morning.
Aaahhh - its light outside I missed the bus, no wait a minute - look at all that snow - that's right there is no school today. It is really quiet in the house right now. I can't have that - let me go wake up all my other siblings who are taking this opportunity to sleep in. My mom will sure appreciate that and while she's up she can make my breakfast too. She has all this extra time this morning, so I will be expecting a super fancy breakfast - no pawning cereal and milk on me today.
After breakfast.
Now that was a great breakfast of omelets, bacon, and quiche. What to do next - Cartoons!!! Lots and lots of cartoons. What was mom mumbling about helping around the house? Silly mom, snow days are days off for us! Cartoons are finished lets head out in the snow. What we have to wear gloves and hats and boots - all that stuff is for sissies! Look at all that snow, snow is awesome. I want to roll around in it, throw it, stack it and build a fort in it. How do we live on a daily basis without snow.
After Snow Play is Over
I'll just drop my wet, snow filled clothes here and go in and demand hot chocolate. And now for my favorite activity. I like to call it "Get mom to entertain me." "Mom, I am bored, I am bored, I am bored, I am bored" (repeat this mantra until mom comes up with something ultra fun or kicks me out of the kitchen).
Lying in Bed that Night
This was the best day ever!!! Snow days are amazing. They should legalize snow days and require schools to have them once a week. I can't believe I have to go to school tomorrow that stinks.
Mom's Perspective
Did the news anchor just say no school tomorrow? That can't be possible, there is not a flake on the ground yet. Change the channel - channel 2 is never reliable they reported a crocodile eating squirrel as news last week. Oh, crud Fox News just reported the same thing. OK, I need to gird my loins up for the unplanned extended weekend. Perhaps this is some kind of divine trial - to test whether or not I really am a good mom. Time to tell the kids - why are they running around doing a celebratory dance with underwear on their heads. I am never going to get them to sleep tonight. Heaven help me all I can do is cry on my knees with my hands stretched towards heaven - Why is there NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SCHOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Sometime the following morning.
What is all that noise. They don't have to go to school today. It is actually 10 minutes before they normally wake up. The only redeeming quality of this snow day was the chance to sleep in. You want me to make what for breakfast? "No, you see honey they showed that recipe on Top Chef for a reason - they are Top Chefs." - Me I am a classically trained historian who is pretending to love cooking for a family of 6 every day.
After breakfast
Wow, I got to cook a fancy breakfast and do all the dishes by myself. These Wees really know how to treat a girl. Oh, well this is a great opportunity to get them to tidy up their rooms and finish de-Christmassing the house with me. Where did they go? How do they vanish like that at the slightest mention of work?
What's that, the cartoons are calling your name - of course they are. No, me - I'm good I can bounce this baby on my hip, take down a Christmas tree and write a grocery list with a pen held between my teeth. Me, I'm good - please don't let Scooby Doo wait another minute for your attention. Wouldn't want his ratings to go down.
You want to go play outside in your bathing suit and bath robe - nope not going to happen. Yes, you have to wear the snow suit, the boots, the gloves, the hat and the bullet proof bubble. Okay, no bullet proof bubble, but the gloves ARE NOT optional. You are kidding me, you have to pee? You didn't have to pee 5 minutes ago during the bullet proof bubble negotiations - unbelievable.
Look at those kids going crazy in the snow. They are nuts! It is freezing out there and they are like rabid wolves on the hunt of some poor lonely caribou. Oh no, she just head dived into that snow bank - wait she came up happy and smiling - that must be some kind of snow fort? I am too old for snow play. Better get the hot chocolate ready - a polar bear couldn't hang out there for too long.
After Snow Play is Over
You did not just drop that wet, muddy snow filled snow suit on my carpet. You did not just do that. You are pruny and your wrinkled skin is actually frozen solid in this shape. Didn't you hear me say "Come in when your hands get cold?"
"I am sorry that you are bored, I am sorry that you are bored, I am sorry that you are bored ... GO somewhere, anywhere and play/read/enjoy one of the 999 million Christmas presents your Grandparents just gave you - Just GO!!!"
Lying in Bed that Night
I can not believe there are even snow days in the South - isn't this why I left Michigan to begin with. I am calling my Congressman, these things should be illegal. How do they not qualify this as cruel and unusual punishment. I am so relieved there is school tomorrow - tomorrow is another day.
And that is pretty much exactly how today went.
What's that the DJ just announced ... no school tomorrow either. Wees are triumphantly whopping and my mind is internally doing a whole lot of hollering.
A wee bit snowed in,
CarrieAnne
The Wee Perspective
What's that - did mom just say no school tomorrow? Victory is ours!!! There is a divine power and he loves us, he really loves us. Lets get crazy with excitement and be impossible to put to bed. Yes, I am wearing underwear on my head and I don't know why. All I have to say is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Sometime the following morning.
Aaahhh - its light outside I missed the bus, no wait a minute - look at all that snow - that's right there is no school today. It is really quiet in the house right now. I can't have that - let me go wake up all my other siblings who are taking this opportunity to sleep in. My mom will sure appreciate that and while she's up she can make my breakfast too. She has all this extra time this morning, so I will be expecting a super fancy breakfast - no pawning cereal and milk on me today.
After breakfast.
Now that was a great breakfast of omelets, bacon, and quiche. What to do next - Cartoons!!! Lots and lots of cartoons. What was mom mumbling about helping around the house? Silly mom, snow days are days off for us! Cartoons are finished lets head out in the snow. What we have to wear gloves and hats and boots - all that stuff is for sissies! Look at all that snow, snow is awesome. I want to roll around in it, throw it, stack it and build a fort in it. How do we live on a daily basis without snow.
After Snow Play is Over
I'll just drop my wet, snow filled clothes here and go in and demand hot chocolate. And now for my favorite activity. I like to call it "Get mom to entertain me." "Mom, I am bored, I am bored, I am bored, I am bored" (repeat this mantra until mom comes up with something ultra fun or kicks me out of the kitchen).
Lying in Bed that Night
This was the best day ever!!! Snow days are amazing. They should legalize snow days and require schools to have them once a week. I can't believe I have to go to school tomorrow that stinks.
Mom's Perspective
Did the news anchor just say no school tomorrow? That can't be possible, there is not a flake on the ground yet. Change the channel - channel 2 is never reliable they reported a crocodile eating squirrel as news last week. Oh, crud Fox News just reported the same thing. OK, I need to gird my loins up for the unplanned extended weekend. Perhaps this is some kind of divine trial - to test whether or not I really am a good mom. Time to tell the kids - why are they running around doing a celebratory dance with underwear on their heads. I am never going to get them to sleep tonight. Heaven help me all I can do is cry on my knees with my hands stretched towards heaven - Why is there NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SCHOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Sometime the following morning.
What is all that noise. They don't have to go to school today. It is actually 10 minutes before they normally wake up. The only redeeming quality of this snow day was the chance to sleep in. You want me to make what for breakfast? "No, you see honey they showed that recipe on Top Chef for a reason - they are Top Chefs." - Me I am a classically trained historian who is pretending to love cooking for a family of 6 every day.
After breakfast
Wow, I got to cook a fancy breakfast and do all the dishes by myself. These Wees really know how to treat a girl. Oh, well this is a great opportunity to get them to tidy up their rooms and finish de-Christmassing the house with me. Where did they go? How do they vanish like that at the slightest mention of work?
What's that, the cartoons are calling your name - of course they are. No, me - I'm good I can bounce this baby on my hip, take down a Christmas tree and write a grocery list with a pen held between my teeth. Me, I'm good - please don't let Scooby Doo wait another minute for your attention. Wouldn't want his ratings to go down.
You want to go play outside in your bathing suit and bath robe - nope not going to happen. Yes, you have to wear the snow suit, the boots, the gloves, the hat and the bullet proof bubble. Okay, no bullet proof bubble, but the gloves ARE NOT optional. You are kidding me, you have to pee? You didn't have to pee 5 minutes ago during the bullet proof bubble negotiations - unbelievable.
Look at those kids going crazy in the snow. They are nuts! It is freezing out there and they are like rabid wolves on the hunt of some poor lonely caribou. Oh no, she just head dived into that snow bank - wait she came up happy and smiling - that must be some kind of snow fort? I am too old for snow play. Better get the hot chocolate ready - a polar bear couldn't hang out there for too long.
After Snow Play is Over
You did not just drop that wet, muddy snow filled snow suit on my carpet. You did not just do that. You are pruny and your wrinkled skin is actually frozen solid in this shape. Didn't you hear me say "Come in when your hands get cold?"
"I am sorry that you are bored, I am sorry that you are bored, I am sorry that you are bored ... GO somewhere, anywhere and play/read/enjoy one of the 999 million Christmas presents your Grandparents just gave you - Just GO!!!"
Lying in Bed that Night
I can not believe there are even snow days in the South - isn't this why I left Michigan to begin with. I am calling my Congressman, these things should be illegal. How do they not qualify this as cruel and unusual punishment. I am so relieved there is school tomorrow - tomorrow is another day.
And that is pretty much exactly how today went.
What's that the DJ just announced ... no school tomorrow either. Wees are triumphantly whopping and my mind is internally doing a whole lot of hollering.
A wee bit snowed in,
CarrieAnne
Monday, January 3, 2011
Mom on Long Car Trips
So, with the holidays now behind us it is highly likely that moms and dads everywhere have a few more long distant trips under their belts. In order to better empathize with other beleaguered owners of little people, Dad and I decided to participate in the tradition of the torturous trek ourselves to see those we hold most dear.
Dad's family holds an annual reunion in Florida, and for those of you who did the map math that's about an 8 hour car drive from here in Wee land. We drove the 8 hours this past Friday, stayed for the reunion on Saturday and drove the 8 hours back on Sunday. No we don't drink or partake in recreational pharmaceuticals, yes we do love our family VERY much.
I thought I would give you a brief recap of the phases of a typical such journey with our Wees for the following reasons:
1. If you are even mildly considering a similar journey you can learn from our failings and equip yourselves properly - we failed to bring ear plugs, a whip or enough dosages of an effective sleep aid. Don't allow yourselves to become a victim to the same folly.
2. If you have already taken such a journey you can be reassured you are no longer the only insane parent on the planet - we plan on starting a support group soon for others suffering from the nutty need to migrate with their Wee flock during celebratory times.
3. If you don't have children you will now learn exactly why you should get the heck out of the way and be gracious in those long bathroom lines at gas stations. Potty training and cross country treks don't mix prettily.
PREPARATIONS
There was a time when my husband and I lovingly looked into each other's eyes and said "Let's get away for the weekend." We then grabbed two pairs of socks, two pairs of underwear, two swimsuits and 1 sleeping bag. We stopped at the first KOA we could find with a vacancy and disappeared off the grid. No GPS, No cell phone - no problem.
Now before we even get on the road I have to spend a week gathering provisions. We have to test the car to ensure it can carry the pay load of no less than: 1 pack n' play, 1 stroller, 3 pillow pets, 4 suitcases, 10 pounds of extra diapers, 10 lbs of extra pull ups, the entire Disney DVD library, 100 pounds of snacks, 10 cases of juice boxes and the emergency gear which will allow us to fire a flare and call in the National Guard should we and all our stuff break down on the side of the road in the wilds off interstate 75.
LOADING THE CAR
With the addition of Wee 4 every seat is full - as was true in the days of old - there is NO more room in the inn. This means Wees must be inserted strategically into the car so that those who can operate the uber-high tech 5 point restraint systems (that even astronauts are not required to use) can buckle themselves and help out those who can't buckle themselves. Our motto is "never leave a Wee in the wind" when it comes to safety.
This also means those who are potty trained are in first, and inevitably have to come out immediately after everyone is seated, because their Wee little bladders have been agitated by the bending, huffing and puffing which goes into situating themselves and their stuff properly. This off course also means they have to climb over each other inevitably performing the dreaded act of human contact with other Wees causing screams of "Hey, she touched me!!!" MOM!!!!!".
ACTUALLY LEAVING THE DRIVEWAY
This may or may not actually happen.
For those of you who have quit at the cusp of your normal domain -don't be ashamed. I have often considered throwing myself under the car as a speed bump (one last check of the breaks for safety reasons) when with our own house still in sight a WEE quipped "How much longer?"
If you do actually leave the driveway have Kleenex handy, it can be incredibly depressing and scary to know that you have left the reservation for the unknown insanity of invading the house of another person.
DRIVING, and DRIVING and DRIVING
In order to survive this portion of the trip I have to temporarily suspend my normal set of morals and values. The truth becomes a bit vague when trapped in a reinforced steel cage with wheels which may or may not be moving due to insane holiday traffic. I am not proud of it, but I occasionally resort to bizarre threats like "If you and your sister can't get along I am going to feed myself to a shark" or "You, see that nice family in the SUV up ahead? All their Wees are sleeping so I have decided to join that family. I wonder where they are going?" This second threat is particularly effective if you are in bumper to bumper traffic and you actually open the door and walk to that family's car. The quality of your Wees behavior should determine whether or not you return to your car at the halfway mark.
I personally chose not to answer to the title "mom" on the road. Though the Wees find it frustrating at first, it eventually confuses them and they throw out different titles for you in an effort to gain your attention. If you occasionally throw food and juice back to them a relative calm will set in and you may not have to ever respond verbally to their cries.
When the Wees do begin asking "Are we there yet?"I get existential and answer them back only in question. This can be even more entertaining for you as a parent if you make your questions rhyme. For example try, "where is there?" or "who are we to question thee on how here is so severe?"
If existentialism fails, I make up bizarre things and pretend to see them in the distance. With the greatest of serious faces I claim that volume and sight are linked. Wonders like flying hot dogs in pink tutus and hippopotamuses doing the lambada can only be seen when all Wees are quiet. This should at a minimum result in positive peer pressure from the smaller more trusting Wees.
ARRIVING
I leap through the car's window, kneel down to the earth, and doing my best Scarlett O'Hara impression cry out "I will never get in the car again." When my loved ones have stopped starring, I hand over the kids and RUN to the bathroom (or any room with a door that locks). Yelling the words "fast food," "cramps" and "poison" I sprint by any potential roadblocks. On occasion I have gotten a good 20 minutes of quiet time out of this ruse. It allows me to quickly recover and prepare for all the family fun which awaits on the other side of the door.
Moral of the Story: We will do just about anything (so long as it is legal and moral) to give our Wees the Happiest of Holidays while spending it with those we love and we know you do too.
A wee bit car sick,
CarrieAnne
Dad's family holds an annual reunion in Florida, and for those of you who did the map math that's about an 8 hour car drive from here in Wee land. We drove the 8 hours this past Friday, stayed for the reunion on Saturday and drove the 8 hours back on Sunday. No we don't drink or partake in recreational pharmaceuticals, yes we do love our family VERY much.
I thought I would give you a brief recap of the phases of a typical such journey with our Wees for the following reasons:
1. If you are even mildly considering a similar journey you can learn from our failings and equip yourselves properly - we failed to bring ear plugs, a whip or enough dosages of an effective sleep aid. Don't allow yourselves to become a victim to the same folly.
2. If you have already taken such a journey you can be reassured you are no longer the only insane parent on the planet - we plan on starting a support group soon for others suffering from the nutty need to migrate with their Wee flock during celebratory times.
3. If you don't have children you will now learn exactly why you should get the heck out of the way and be gracious in those long bathroom lines at gas stations. Potty training and cross country treks don't mix prettily.
PREPARATIONS
There was a time when my husband and I lovingly looked into each other's eyes and said "Let's get away for the weekend." We then grabbed two pairs of socks, two pairs of underwear, two swimsuits and 1 sleeping bag. We stopped at the first KOA we could find with a vacancy and disappeared off the grid. No GPS, No cell phone - no problem.
Now before we even get on the road I have to spend a week gathering provisions. We have to test the car to ensure it can carry the pay load of no less than: 1 pack n' play, 1 stroller, 3 pillow pets, 4 suitcases, 10 pounds of extra diapers, 10 lbs of extra pull ups, the entire Disney DVD library, 100 pounds of snacks, 10 cases of juice boxes and the emergency gear which will allow us to fire a flare and call in the National Guard should we and all our stuff break down on the side of the road in the wilds off interstate 75.
LOADING THE CAR
With the addition of Wee 4 every seat is full - as was true in the days of old - there is NO more room in the inn. This means Wees must be inserted strategically into the car so that those who can operate the uber-high tech 5 point restraint systems (that even astronauts are not required to use) can buckle themselves and help out those who can't buckle themselves. Our motto is "never leave a Wee in the wind" when it comes to safety.
This also means those who are potty trained are in first, and inevitably have to come out immediately after everyone is seated, because their Wee little bladders have been agitated by the bending, huffing and puffing which goes into situating themselves and their stuff properly. This off course also means they have to climb over each other inevitably performing the dreaded act of human contact with other Wees causing screams of "Hey, she touched me!!!" MOM!!!!!".
ACTUALLY LEAVING THE DRIVEWAY
This may or may not actually happen.
For those of you who have quit at the cusp of your normal domain -don't be ashamed. I have often considered throwing myself under the car as a speed bump (one last check of the breaks for safety reasons) when with our own house still in sight a WEE quipped "How much longer?"
If you do actually leave the driveway have Kleenex handy, it can be incredibly depressing and scary to know that you have left the reservation for the unknown insanity of invading the house of another person.
DRIVING, and DRIVING and DRIVING
In order to survive this portion of the trip I have to temporarily suspend my normal set of morals and values. The truth becomes a bit vague when trapped in a reinforced steel cage with wheels which may or may not be moving due to insane holiday traffic. I am not proud of it, but I occasionally resort to bizarre threats like "If you and your sister can't get along I am going to feed myself to a shark" or "You, see that nice family in the SUV up ahead? All their Wees are sleeping so I have decided to join that family. I wonder where they are going?" This second threat is particularly effective if you are in bumper to bumper traffic and you actually open the door and walk to that family's car. The quality of your Wees behavior should determine whether or not you return to your car at the halfway mark.
I personally chose not to answer to the title "mom" on the road. Though the Wees find it frustrating at first, it eventually confuses them and they throw out different titles for you in an effort to gain your attention. If you occasionally throw food and juice back to them a relative calm will set in and you may not have to ever respond verbally to their cries.
When the Wees do begin asking "Are we there yet?"I get existential and answer them back only in question. This can be even more entertaining for you as a parent if you make your questions rhyme. For example try, "where is there?" or "who are we to question thee on how here is so severe?"
If existentialism fails, I make up bizarre things and pretend to see them in the distance. With the greatest of serious faces I claim that volume and sight are linked. Wonders like flying hot dogs in pink tutus and hippopotamuses doing the lambada can only be seen when all Wees are quiet. This should at a minimum result in positive peer pressure from the smaller more trusting Wees.
ARRIVING
I leap through the car's window, kneel down to the earth, and doing my best Scarlett O'Hara impression cry out "I will never get in the car again." When my loved ones have stopped starring, I hand over the kids and RUN to the bathroom (or any room with a door that locks). Yelling the words "fast food," "cramps" and "poison" I sprint by any potential roadblocks. On occasion I have gotten a good 20 minutes of quiet time out of this ruse. It allows me to quickly recover and prepare for all the family fun which awaits on the other side of the door.
Moral of the Story: We will do just about anything (so long as it is legal and moral) to give our Wees the Happiest of Holidays while spending it with those we love and we know you do too.
A wee bit car sick,
CarrieAnne
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