Sunday, January 9, 2011

Mom on Getting Ready for Church

Now no religion that I am aware of professes this, but I personally have to believe that in heaven there are angel accountants. The main responsibility of these angelic tallyists is to keep track of the "heaven points" earned by us mothers here on Earth. This begs the questions - "What is a heaven point and how do you earn it?"

A heaven point is a little kudos (kinda like a celestial attaboy) that we mothers earn for doing crazy things that we know are the right thing to do or that we do because we want our Wees to be happy. Examples of heaven point worthy tasks might include:

1. Cutting off all the crusts on a Wee's sandwich and I am not talking about a hatchet job here, I am talking the surgical removal of anything even remotely brown or crunchy on that pb&j.

2. Driving a Wee to 3 different birthday parties on the same Saturday, so they don't have to choose between their BFFs.

2. Attending 9am church with 4 pew wiggling, snack wanting, boredom claiming Wees every Sunday without (too much) complaining on my part.

As it is Sunday I would like to hone in on this last example. If there ever is a time when heaven points should be doled out like the coins Mario scooped up in the Nintendo games of old - it is Sunday morning.

Why you ask? Well, let me relate to you what it takes for the Wees, dad and I to get to 9 am church.

The Night Before

All church clothes must be laid out and vetted by the Wees. Much like the Golden Globes or the red carpet at the Academy Awards it is very important to Wee 1 and Wee 2 that they feel confident and focused in their Sunday best. This consultation is complete with shoe selection and hair accessory matching. Following the consultation all Wee clothes must be starched, ironed and placed in a Wee free zone to avoid rumpling, crumpling or staining. It is almost a scientifically provable law of nature that at least one wardrobe change will be requested after the last flounce is fluffed or pleat is pressed.

Now because I am still in that post-baby, pre-real clothes phase I personally have a mini fashion show of what does not fit. By some miracle each Sunday I find two pieces of clothing that don't make me look too much like the next contestant on "What Not to Wear" and I protect that outfit from Wee touching like the Holy Grail in the Crusades - because if it gets ruined going to church naked becomes a very real possibility.

Sunday Morning

On any other morning, the Wees are up tearing through the house like superheros hot on the tracks of some diabolical villain. But on Sundays, when we need it the most they are sluggish. Instead of fired up heroes they are more like Superman showering in Kryptonite. Wee 2 inevitably decides that she wants something "special" for breakfast. And I don't mean special like Cocal Krispies instead of the Vanilla white ones. She wants crepes served with homemade cream and a believable French accent. Wee 1 is mad that there is no time for cartoons. Wee 3 doesn't want to brush her teeth because the fuzzy feeling of plaque build up is "neat" and our Baby Wee has selected Sunday morning as the perfect time to actually sleep.

Once every Wee is actually fed the dressing process begins. Though all the shoes and tights were set out the night before, this preparation can not account for feet which magcially grow two sizes over night and no longer fit in their assigned shoes. Tights have runs that turn into large gullies do to little Wees forcing their fingers through them and saying "Look Mom - COOL!" . Inevitably Wee 3 who is potty training decides she has to potty after she is completely dressed and someone will certainly start crying for no reason at all.

This moment, when the tide of the battle has yet to turn and you feel as though you should capitulate - after all what is religion but a life altering ideology which will most likely help your children through all the rough patches in their mortal existence. They don't really need it right?

At this moment - heaven points become a motivating force in actually getting out the door. As I move through each crisis like a stealthy heel wearing ninja, I can hear Mario rooting me on and that ching, ching of point accumulation adding up.

Not losing my temper at Wee 2 messing up Wee 1's hair and throwing her pony tail holder into the toy box- 5 points.

Patiently flipping through the coloring books to find just "the right one" with only minutes to spare - 8 points.

Actually remembering to put the baby in the car seat and bring him with you - 11 points.

Finally, getting everyone in the car in one piece without having committed a class A felony - 25 points.

Showing up to church only 15 minutes late with a smile on your face and semi-perfect looking Wees - infinite points.

I must confess that when I walk in the door I imagine a very large crowd giving me a standing ovation and my offering a little victory speech ("No really, it was nothing - please no more applause")

Here's hoping there really are those angelic accountants up there - and if there aren't please don't ruin it for me - Sunday is only 6 days away!

A wee bit pointed,



  1. Haha - too cute! I'm sure they've given you bonus points for actually managing to write this blog post too!!

    I remember all to well running my fingers up and down the runs in my stockings and thinking it was the best thing ever..and then freaking out because OH MY GOSH! I NEEDED NEW ONES! AHH!

    I cannot imagine trying to get four little ones dressed (in nice clothes!) and out the door at any time..let alone that early..getting MYSELF ready seems like enough of a challenge! Kudos!

  2. Just to clarify, does this mean that Class B felonies and misdemeanors do not result in a loss of points, or eliminate potential earnings? If so, I am greatly relieved. :)


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